The Iron King (Iron Fey Series #1)

The Iron King (Iron Fey Series #1) - I don’t mind if you want to write a story with a “green” message, if you want to encourage people to value and protect nature, if you want to say the narrative equivalent of “yo, bro, you don’t seem to have noticed that pollution is bad.”But when you do that by literally killing the embodiment of the dream of human progress?Sweetie, we’re going to have issues.So let’s break down all the many ways this doesn’t work, shall we? In this anti-science, anti-reason, anti-all-that-is-separating-us-from-the-beasts novel, fairies are born of human dreams and imagination. The more people imagine, the more the fairies are born/grow stronger/have magic/fuck the reader, because this book can’t decide which of those options it wants and doesn’t care enough to clarify. Imagination = ~*~*~SOMETHING MAGICAL, OKAY, DON’T QUESTION IT~*~*~And Faeryland is diminishing because people aren’t imagining much anymore.Seriously, just the fuck are you thinking, book? We’re more imaginative than ever right now. Know why? Because 90% of the population isn’t engaged in back-breaking labor from sun-up to sun-down. We’re at the most imaginative point in history. We have hundreds of thousands of people who literally do nothing but sit and imagine up stuff all day. And I’m just talking entertainment here. That’s not including teenagers on youtube. And that’s also not including scientists, engineers, architects, anyone who ever had a dream and went out to make it real. If you sit there and tell me the guys that built the first rocket ship had no imagination, I will punch you in the face. They imagined up rocket ships to the moon.Ones that actually work.We are hellaimaginative.So already this book fails like a penguin is Equator. But then it gets worse.Because you see, in this book, we have “Iron Fey,” which is what you’d think: fairies that are made of or immune to iron. Supposedly they’re born from the whole electronics craze/industrial revolution/maybe/fuck the reader, because this book doesn’t want anything to be clear. They even go so far as to have a fairy named “Virus” who uses little tiny computer bugs, because that’s clever, right?So…fairies take on the aspects of whatever it is the people were dreaming about?Then how the fuck did this Winter/Summer Court of fairies come to exist?Because, seriously, when in history have we dreamed more about frolicking in nature than we have about tearing nature down and building our own shit in its place?OH RIGHT, FUCKING NEVER.Literally the first thing that the first human did was go out and chop the shit out of nature so he could burn that motherfucker down. And, you know, invent fire and cook his food. At least, I assume that’s the first thing he did, but if not it was at least the second or third thing.So how did our long and glorious tradition of razing nature to the ground and building cities on her rotting corpse turn into the traditional fairies that populate this book, but our tradition of doing that – just with better tools – turned into evil monster fairies?BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER.Because we get to meet the very first Iron Fey to ever be imagined into existence. He came about during the fucking Iron Age. Yeah, these guys have been around since iron tools were first invented, but they weren’t as powerful as the nature fairies, because…fuck all if I know. We’ve been gaga for iron ever since we figured out we could tie it to the end of sticks and kill stuff with it.And yet what have we ever done for Oberon? Some dude wrote him into a play (and did that relatively recently, compared to the fucking Iron Age) and now we make high school kids read about, which most of them don’t do because purists refuse to translate Shakespeare into teenage-speak.But the iron guy remained weak throughout the ages, but Oberon is totally all butch and powerful and shit. So as we get into things, we find out these Iron Fey are destroying the pure and gorgeous nature homes of the traditional fairies. Okay, I can roll with that. Then we get to their own iron kingdom, and the whole place is full of acid rain and trash and broken shit and just basically every single negative aspect of technology, but magnified times a million, and also that’s all there is.Bweh? Why? Why to the Iron Fey get only the crapshit of the dreams that made them, but over in Oberon’s land there’s no…I don’t know, swamps or cacti or mudslides or tar pits?Well, it’s because this book doesn’t give a shit about saying anything actually subtle or meaningful. It just wants to throw crap in your face like an irate monkey. None of it adds to any sort of discussion about technology vs environmentalism, because it’s too busy being so fucking extreme that none of it makes sense. You can say “nuh-uh” just by pointing out that scientists actually have to imagine shit or else there wouldn’t be any science because REALLY DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT SCIENCE IS?And that’s on top of everything else that makes this novel just brain-bashingly stupid, but other reviews have covered that thoroughly. It had its high points, and to be honest the majority of the novel was…if not good, at least on an even keel. But the low points just have this tendency to jump out and slap you in the fact and spit in your hair, so that the end result is that I didn’t care about the okay bits because it was overall just such a terrible experience.